"I need all the seniors in this room now"
Michele Krpalek from La Sierra came to our school today to give us our final financial statements. And, as usual, the school didn't to shit to warn us beforehand. Back in January, almost all of us went down to LSU to get financial statement drafts. I was fortunate enough to get a statement from one of the head enrollment counselors who told me to take the statement he had given to Michele when she comes down. Thanks to our school registrar, I had absolutely no idea that Michele was coming in today which resulted in me not having my statement. It just irritates me that they EXPECT us to know these things when our website doesn't work and let alone is never updated, so you tell me how the hell we're supposed to be up-to-date with things like this.
These past two days, I and Mr. Kootsey especially have been going around to each of the classes to present our SA constitution. I'm pretty proud of this constitution. We've been working on it all semester and developed this constitution from scratch. And, I must say, it's pretty awesome! It feels pretty cool to be making history and be the first to do something never done before. The SA senate obviously approved the constitution and the school board were so proud and approved it. So, now we're just awaiting to get the rest of the high school to approve it during chapel on Friday.
"I don't know why you chose to do that on that day..."
It just doesn't comprehend in my head the way some teachers think. Because I'm SA president, some teachers have a much higher standard on which I'm judged upon. They expect me to be the top of the class, to have straight A's, to be perfect. But, on top of my busy schedule I am trying to manage all this homework you're assigning me! I'm just like every other student and I have to try just as hard as everyone else, or maybe even harder, to keep my grades up. I appreciate that they think I am capable of so much, but no thanks. SA and schoolwork don't coincide in my mind. That is my problem and my responsibility to prioritize and I don't understand why you are trying to dig through all the details in my life. Just let me be a student the way I want to handle it.
"eh... i don't know about that one"
Obviously, SA is extremely important to me. I take things in SA very seriously and it just makes me mad that people are taking advantage of the scholarship money and of me. I'm done tolerating all your bullshit, so either suck it up for two and a half months or if you can't handle it, i will be happy to show you the door. Stop wasting my fucking time, so I can get things done. "You been doing a damn good job without it, so stop worrying about it and let somebody else take care it"
"Why are you standing here? I don't want to talk to you. You're useless"
For some people, nothing is ever good enough. I'm about done with trying to get you to be proud of me. You're not supportive of anything I do. Not once have you considered how the things you say to me can affect my physical and emotional well-being, have you? I really want to include you in my life and share with you my goals and ambitions, but how can I do that when you make it seem like you hate my guts? Money can't buy you happiness, and it definitely won't buy you my love. I can't love you if you tell me I'm a useless piece of shit, that I don't matter to you. I wish each and everyday that you would take the time to understand me, get to know me for who I am. It's been 17, almost 18, years now, and you still don't know me for who I truly am.
Support from family and support from friends can differentiate. People always say "family will always be there." What happens when a family have spent over a decade in miscommunication, improper communication, or no communication at all? What happens then? Seeking support in friends has kept me sane and alive, to be honest. But, sometimes, I feel as thought a part of me is missing. Sometimes, I regret not ever standing up to you. I regret tolerating every little physical and emotional damage you have put on me. I regret not knowing any better. I regret thinking things were going to be okay. I regret believing that you were only doing this for my sake. I regret every time I let you fool me into thinking that I was the one to blame.
It was at times like these where I sought help and advice from my bestfriend, Suchaya. I don't think I'll say this enough, but I still can't believe she is gone. It's still hard for me to accept. I know I shouldn't be holding onto such a burden, but she was always the one right there for me when I felt like I was going to go insane with everything that goes on in my family. I had emotional break down today as I brought her up to Ryan. I don't think my mom ever understood how close we were. Friends like Suchaya don't just come and go. The littlest things make me think of her. I am so sensitive to things I weren't before. I miss my best friend and I still haven't figured out a good way to cope with this. I know that everything happens for a reason, and I'm really trying to be optimistic. But it's so hard. Only someone who has experienced the same thing will understand. Our friendship was unique, extraordinary, over the top. Amidst the drama between our parents, we were able to still be best friends. And it's just hard to accept that I don't have her to talk to anymore. I still find my self involuntarily opening a "new message" on my phone, typing something like "hey can you talk right now? i really need someone to talk to.", and then realizing the person I used to go to all the time isn't here.
.... Deep breaths... It'll all be ok...
Trying to breathe
=/
