4:57 AM

I just have so many thoughts flowing through my head and it's making me uncomfortable trying to fall asleep right now. So I figure... let my thoughts out and I can sleep.

The topic that's fresh on my mind is how cruel and corrupt our world is. It blows my mind the desire and audacity that some people may have to make another's life a miserable. If we all just worried about our own lives instead of trying to meddle into someone else's life, this world might just be a better place. Everyone wastes all this time talking shit, on a social media, complaining, destruction, but how does that benefit anyone in this world? I understand that people have been put into this world for a reason. Can it be possible that many individuals have lost sight in their reason or rather have never even tried to find their reason?

I have also come to a.... for lack of a better word.... landmark... realization today. I've realized that as much as you may think you like someone, in order for something to work (and I don't just mean currently, I mean successfully and something worthwhile)... it has to be the right time for both ends of the totem pole. Time is probably one of the biggest implicit factors that go into a steady relationship. And surprisingly enough, time is underrated. Time is actually something extremely powerful. More powerful than most can imagine. So, there's no doubt as to why people push too hard for something they think will disappear if they don't act fast. I like you, a lot. But, not once have I thought about whether or not now would even be a good time in my life for you to like me back. Feelings for someone are out of our control, but actions toward those feelings are a whole other story.

Society teaches us such contradictory life lessons. One moment it's telling us that "good things will come to those who wait" and another moment it tells you to "live in the now" But how are we supposed to know which way is the right way to go? I just don't think people realize what they're actually telling you. People give advice from past experiences and can only tell you what you should do if they've been in the situation before. But, rarely do you see someone playing the devils advocate.

I just don't understand how I could have become so passionate about something I know so little about. Not once have you given me confirmation of your thoughts and feelings toward me and yet I still have this desire to get to know you. I really doubt that you are oblivious to the point where you don't notice how I feel, so please explain to me why you're allowing me to linger like this. Anyone who knows me knows I don't like to linger. But when it comes to you, I feel like I'll be lingering for the rest of my life.

Another thing society failed to put a clear description of is time in regards to your journey in life. People say things like YOLO and put an emphasis on how young we are and how we need enjoy life while we can. There's also a side that says that life is short and we need to act fast. I have failed to grasp where those two completely different outlooks will be able to go hand-in-hand. I guess I'm just over-analyzing things, but I just wish there was an easy way to clear the thoughts that I have about you in my head, every second of every day. I'm a hopeless romantic, I tell ya.

It just sucks when you've been waiting for something for so long and start to second guess your choices. Recently, I've had a friend who, probably accidentally, made it known to me how long I've actually been waiting for a certain someone to open their eyes and even give me the time of day. Phrases like "Man. I don't know how you've been doing it for so long" were used and reiterated countless times. I don't choose for things to be this way. Since when does forcing something to happen actually work out in someone's favor? Cause if that's the case, I've been doing it wrong all these years. It was just a big emphasis on my current status that I didn't want to be reminded of. Not saying I'm miserable and depressed because of it, but no one can stop me from dreaming.

Although, a lot of people have tried. HONESTY HOUR.... I feel like my roommate and I have reached a whole new level of "close" this year. I thought we were able to open up to each other before, but damn have we set the bar high now. I've never seen roommates like us and I don't think roommates could actually have the friendship we have built. It's funny cause we both have these little nit-picky things about each other and people like to twist and turn those things in attempt to see what that does to our friendship. Little does the rest of the world know, our friendship is so strong that we actually CONFRONT and TALK to each other about the things people try to tell us we say about each other. Well, I'll be damned... You mean to say confrontation about a situation and openly discussing a situation like mature adults actually work? HELL TO THE FRICKIN YEA. Everyone is just too caught up in the mix of the drama they're creating to realize that it really doesn't have to be that way. I just realized how much older I'm getting and different things I'm starting to realize about life have made me grow as a person but everyone around me either wants to stay in college forever is just dumb shit.

It just baffles me that there are people in this world that don't take a look at their own actions but are the first to point out the faults in others. Now, kids, this is what we call hypocritical, two-faced bitches. The number of times I've bit my tongue just so I could save face with my closest friends even surprises me when I think about it. I just don't understand why people get so worked up on such little things when they could be looking at the big picture. Little do you know, I am doing all these little things just so that you could be happy but you're too focused on some little thing I said under my breath a good 4928818191 hours ago. Appreciate what you have, honey, because before you know it it's going to be gone.

You know those best friends that you have that you think are the people that are closest to you in life? Yeah. And you know that moment when they get a significant other and all of a sudden the switch was flipped? Everything's completely different and we just all have to adhere to what's happening, no questions asked? Yup. I know that situation very well. I wish I could tell you how much you've changed. Or, possibly, how much you have showed me now which I knew nothing about before. You are so different to the point where I don't really want to be around you that much. The things that come out of your mouth.... Do you really not realize how much you could actually be hurting someone? And what makes you think that because I'm that much closer to you, you can suddenly be extra hurtful toward me. It's that feeling when you know you're starting to lose a friend and you can't really do anything about it. Trust no one but yourself. Cause in the end, you're going to exit this world just like you entered it: alone.

Insomnia and procrastination at it's finest.

For lack of...

I feel like I'm slowly checking out of school. I need to find a new motivation to keep myself going. There's still a good amount left in the quarter yet I can't even get myself to go to my core classes.

WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE? What if what I'm doing is not what i'm meant to be in life or the steps I should be taking aren't on the path that I'm on right now? It blows my mind. People always say that if you're meant to do something, you're going to FEEL that it is right.

I overthink everything to the EXTREME.

I say all this as I am sitting in the middle of statistics class.

Yesterday, my roommate decided to google "depression" and then proceeded to look up palm readings.  Most of the time those kind of things are just some comments someone sitting behind a computer screen made up and it's all psychological if you believe that nonsense. But, it's always crazy when I hear things like that and they actually apply to my life, especially those depression symptoms. How does a doctor actually know someone has depression? I was told that you just go into the doctors, fill out some surveys, answer some questions, and boom! You have a bottle of zoloft in your hands. But, people also say that if you're depressed and you tell people about it, then it is just for talk.

I hate being in a stage where I'm going through all this crap but I can't sort my thoughts and or even figure out the next step to take. I just don't know what to do. I feel so overwhelmed and stressed out but I don't think I'd be able to say why if someone decided to ask.

So, what am I supposed to do now?

Oh and by the way, seeing you today made me cringe a little bit. I wish things didn't have to be so awkward between us.




Quadruple sigh.

Psychoanalysis

It's funny how I don't write in this regularly and only come back when I really have nowhere else to run. There are some things that you can tell everyone, some that you can only tell to certain people, even some that you can only tell ONE person, but there's always those certain things that you just have to keep to yourself. Not to mention those things you regret disclosing to others.

I've had many interesting self-realization experiences these past couple months and it's very hard for me to be able to put a finger on the words to describe the way these realizations make me feel. It just amazes me how we, personally, can know who we are, how we would react to a certain situation, how something could make us feel, but I wonder how often people think about WHY they do something.

Maybe we've always done this, but my friends and I often get into really in depth conversations about relationships and life. Whether I'd like to admit it or not, those talks seriously get to my head and STICK. The smallest things can trigger the smallest thoughts; it's baffles me how far my mind and thoughts can take it. Not gonna lie, I really do enjoy the talks that we have but it's that feeling of loving to be able to talk openly about something yet also realizing things about yourself that you have been trying to suppress and have been suppressing for years. Everyone likes to talk but I've learned that there are even some things that you yourself don't know you know. Man, trying to describe a deep psychological thought can get wordy and confusing, huh? Well lately that's how I've been feeling most of the time.

When we get into "sticky" situations in life, it's funny to see how quick people are to point the finger at the other person. Like, for some odd reason we can't accept the fact we, too, made a mistake and accept the consequences. No one is perfect, so when something happens there are faults coming from both sides. I'm not saying this to make an opinionated stereotype of our society, but to admit that I am guilty of doing so. For the longest time, I have been putting blame on the other half of the situation, convinced that I am not at fault. But, I never really thought about how my actions could have factored into the decisions that the other person could have made...

With you, I don't think I have ever babied anyone as much as I did to you. You had it good. No matter what kind of fucked up shit you decided to go out and do, you knew that I would still give you the undeniable motherly love each and every time. I never gave you the opportunity to prove yourself, to be a real boyfriend, to be a real man. But, then again you never gave me a chance to open up, let my guard down, be a little vulnerable. I feel sorry for the both of us. Think back and look at the way we acted... do you think we could ever be classified as something REAL? Something based off of true emotions and feelings? Or was it just something that was put into the department of something that we are lacking?

It is engraved into my SUBconscious to have to baby everyone I encounter in life. I have to prove that I love them and that it will never go away. Why? Because what I lacked growing up, I must prove that I can portray elsewhere. I don't want to turn out like you. No one in the world should ever feel how I felt growing up with you. I guess that's why I always end up in a rut where.. if I thought about it for maybe... a second longer, I probably wouldn't end up where I am now. It's kind of the "you must finish what you start" mentality. And, from experience I now know that that phrase cannot be applied to every aspect of your life. When it comes to relationships, yes, you have to put your feet into the water to find out whether or not someone is compatible for you. But, if you feel it in your heart that it's not right, you can't just chill in the dirty community water for the rest of your life.

That's my problem. I feel like no matter how much I'm not feeling a relationship and things aren't working out, I have to invest all of my power and emotion into MAKING it work. "I cannot go through this again" "I cannot add another person to my list" "What is my mom going to think?" "How are others going to view me?" I've always said that I'm the kind of person that has feelings for someone and goes into the relationship with my heart already on the table possibly before people are ready to take hold of it. Laying my heart on the table, I pass it across the table and say "Here. You take this. You do whatever you wish to it. Step on it. Rip it. Tear it. Don't even worry about putting it back together before you leave. I'll find the missing pieces and sew it back together myself." But, after those in depth conversations with my friends that I talked about, they helped me realize that I not only hand my heart to someone, but I also take hold of their hand and HELP them tear my heart into a million pieces.

My heart is too big for my body. I've made it to where all I aim to do is give, give, give and not only not expect to receive, but really have no hope in receiving. I just lack so much self-confidence and I let myself get won over by people and things that shouldn't even have an affect on me.

I shouldn't even THINK about you. But, with a moment like this it kills me that I can't even stop myself from thinking about you. I really wish that what happened between us didn't happen. I obviously can't go back and change things, but frankly, I wish you weren't such a douche bag about everything. I would yell at you for doing something like this and not having any feelings afterward but I have no right to. I let you do these things and I pretty much asked for each and every second of it, multiple times. And that sickens me. I know that I am in charge of my own destiny but I just look back and it makes me sad to see who I let myself become. You make me feel uncomfortable. You make my mind go crazy. And, it sucks that I have to hide everything from those who matter most to me just to save our asses from eternal embarrassment. Every day since then, there has not been a day where I haven't thought back about what happened and the stupid decisions the both of us made.

Life is seriously the most windy, never-ending and topsy turvy emotional, spiritual, physical, mental roller coaster. It takes you on so many turns and loop-de-loops that sometimes you won't even have a second to scream. And, the roller coaster stops for no one. It can get hard to handle sometimes and I feel like I'm running out of different mechanisms and techniques to figure my shit out. But, there's always that other side to the story that will take me another 94280394820942 entries to "explain."

Surprisingly, running out of words.
Peace.

Bringing this back

"When a girl cries, it's not usually over one thing. It's built up anger and emotions that she's been holding in for too long."

Emotionally, I'm done. Mentally, I'm drained. Spiritually, I'm dead. Physically, I smile.

I just needed somewhere to vent and randomly thought of this blog that I probably haven't touched in years. I had to go in and reset my password and everything.

I'm the kind of person that I can't help but hold things in. I have an incredibly high tolerance and lately I've realized that it can also work as a big disadvantage. But, I'm also the kind of person that gets annoyed, holds it in, and is never able to let it go and anything else that happens after that is just another layer added to the annoyance pile. I've just be so unreasonably unhappy lately and I don't even know why. I literally feel emotionally depressed and overwhelmed. I'm not the best at pinpointing the source of my emotions and I always feel really bad giving the person I'm upset with a direct answer. It's just really hard for me to tell someone that I don't approve or even remotely like something that they are doing. And, it kills me. Especially if that someone is the person you chose to be in a relationship with.

Simply put. I'm miserable. And, I don't know how to fix it. I don't know if it's my own doing, like something psychological, or if it's really the things that you have done. How do you really know someone is the right person for you? How am I supposed to know that all the effort I put into this relationship actually made a difference in your life? I seriously feel like the only influence I've made in your life is to push you to continue to do those bad things and just put that before anything else. I'm the kind of person that is big on priorities and you are the complete opposite. That first night we went to my spot together made me realize how much of the perfect guy you are for me. I have never been able to open up to someone so easily and freely in my life. Not once, have I been able to tell anyone the things that I was comfortable with telling you in a week. Since then, you have slowly unveiled this person that I was definitely not introduced to. Sometimes, I feel like I don't even know who you are anymore. I can't believe you have let something so ridiculous take control of you to the point where you can't even focus on getting a job or finishing a strong quarter of school. Is that really what matters most right now? I'm a chill person, but I have my limits, my boundaries; I HAVE FEELINGS TOO.

If I would have known that this factor was so heavily prominent in your life from the getgo or even the fact that it was going to bother me this much, I probably wouldn't have jumped into things so quickly. For some reason, I believed that you had a handle on things, that you were able to juggle everything at once. Little did I know that I truly came in second on your list of priorities, following the thing I hated most. I feel like I tried everything. Being cool with it. Letting you figure it out on your own. Crying. Yelling. Avoiding. Nothing worked.

After tonight, the second serious talk we've had about this, I finally feel like we're finally making improvement. I definitely had to wait until you figured it out on your own to get some sense into you. And now, you finally understand. I just can't be so sure until it actually happens. I want to be sure that I really am as important to you as you say I am. Life is seriously swinging by and my life is going with it and I wasn't trying to linger on something that wasn't on the same track that I am on. You need to get your shit together. And, I hope it happens soon. Actions truly speak louder than words. And, I hope this isn't just some stunt to get me to stop nagging you. And, I hate that it has bothered me so much that I'm not even sure as to whether or not I can believe you.

Prove me wrong. Make the right decisions. Work for us. Make me happy.

I don't need much. I just need to know and be shown how much you care.

yeah... good luck with that!

-_- just as things were getting good, for once.

"I need all the seniors in this room now" 

Michele Krpalek from La Sierra came to our school today to give us our final financial statements. And, as usual, the school didn't to shit to warn us beforehand. Back in January, almost all of us went down to LSU to get financial statement drafts. I was fortunate enough to get a statement from one of the head enrollment counselors who told me to take the statement he had given to Michele when she comes down. Thanks to our school registrar, I had absolutely no idea that Michele was coming in today which resulted in me not having my statement. It just irritates me that they EXPECT us to know these things when our website doesn't work and let alone is never updated, so you tell me how the hell we're supposed to be up-to-date with things like this. 

These past two days, I and Mr. Kootsey especially have been going around to each of the classes to present our SA constitution. I'm pretty proud of this constitution. We've been working on it all semester and developed this constitution from scratch. And, I must say, it's pretty awesome! It feels pretty cool to be making history and be the first to do something never done before. The SA senate obviously approved the constitution and the school board were so proud and approved it. So, now we're just awaiting to get the rest of the high school to approve it during chapel on Friday.

"I don't know why you chose to do that on that day..."

It just doesn't comprehend in my head the way some teachers think. Because I'm SA president, some teachers have a much higher standard on which I'm judged upon. They expect me to be the top of the class, to have straight A's, to be perfect. But, on top of my busy schedule I am trying to manage all this homework you're assigning me! I'm just like every other student and I have to try just as hard as everyone else, or maybe even harder, to keep my grades up. I appreciate that they think I am capable of so much, but no thanks. SA and schoolwork don't coincide in my mind. That is my problem and my responsibility to prioritize and I don't understand why you are trying to dig through all the details in my life. Just let me be a student the way I want to handle it.

"eh... i don't know about that one"

Obviously, SA is extremely important to me. I take things in SA very seriously and it just makes me mad that people are taking advantage of the scholarship money and of me. I'm done tolerating all your bullshit, so either suck it up for two and a half months or if you can't handle it, i will be happy to show you the door. Stop wasting my fucking time, so I can get things done. "You been doing a damn good job without it, so stop worrying about it and let somebody else take care it"

"Why are you standing here? I don't want to talk to you. You're useless"

For some people, nothing is ever good enough. I'm about done with trying to get you to be proud of me. You're not supportive of anything I do. Not once have you considered how the things you say to me can affect my physical and emotional well-being, have you? I really want to include you in my life and share with you my goals and ambitions, but how can I do that when you make it seem like you hate my guts? Money can't buy you happiness, and it definitely won't buy you my love. I can't love you if you tell me I'm a useless piece of shit, that I don't matter to you. I wish each and everyday that you would take the time to understand me, get to know me for who I am. It's been 17, almost 18, years now, and you still don't know me for who I truly am. 

Support from family and support from friends can differentiate. People always say "family will always be there." What happens when a family have spent over a decade in miscommunication, improper communication, or no communication at all? What happens then? Seeking support in friends has kept me sane and alive, to be honest. But, sometimes, I feel as thought a part of me is missing. Sometimes, I regret not ever standing up to you. I regret tolerating every little physical and emotional damage you have put on me. I regret not knowing any better. I regret thinking things were going to be okay. I regret believing that you were only doing this for my sake. I regret every time I let you fool me into thinking that I was the one to blame.

It was at times like these where I sought help and advice from my bestfriend, Suchaya. I don't think I'll say this enough, but I still can't believe she is gone. It's still hard for me to accept. I know I shouldn't be holding onto such a burden, but she was always the one right there for me when I felt like I was going to go insane with everything that goes on in my family. I had emotional break down today as I brought her up to Ryan. I don't think my mom ever understood how close we were. Friends like Suchaya don't just come and go. The littlest things make me think of her. I am so sensitive to things I weren't before. I miss my best friend and I still haven't figured out a good way to cope with this. I know that everything happens for a reason, and I'm really trying to be optimistic. But it's so hard. Only someone who has experienced the same thing will understand. Our friendship was unique, extraordinary, over the top. Amidst the drama between our parents, we were able to still be best friends. And it's just hard to accept that I don't have her to talk to anymore. I still find my self involuntarily opening a "new message" on my phone, typing something like "hey can you talk right now? i really need someone to talk to.", and then realizing the person I used to go to all the time isn't here. 

.... Deep breaths... It'll all be ok...

Trying to breathe

=/

Suwanna to the rescue!

10:09pm: "Hey Suwanna, my dads truck wont start. Can u pick me up from the gym?"

And my mom said YES! 

I love little things like this that make me happy. The closest I get to spontaneity is "You're speaking for chapel TOMORROW. Thanks!" And that's not as cool as tonight. =)

Goodbye lazy Suwanna, hello busy Suwanna.

Spring break was amazing. I finally got to rest up on all the sleep I haven't gotten this semester. It feels good to know that I am capable of resting and relaxing compared to working on every ounce of energy that I have. Mr. Stowers put it as "You're running on tomorrow's energy" which I find pretty true. Haha.

As stressful as my life may get, I really appreciate the presence of Ryan and all my closest friends in my life. I may get rejected and denied at home, but this week I learned that I will always have someone right there, by my side, whether or not my family is behind me. I don't know, I guess after all the stress I've been through these past couple months, I just needed some reassurance. Thank goodness I got it sooner than later! 

Life's pretty good right now. 

Next time, for sure 

=)

4 AM update

my new favorite picture =)

I haven't blogged in a while. Let's see... other than getting the worst asthma attack in the world and the usual business of SA, schoolwork, college, and so on, life has been pretty darn good.

I wish I could fit blogging into my schedule more often because there would be a lot of interesting stories in here instead of spontaneously waking up at 4 o'clock in the morning and updating only because I can't fall back asleep. But, stories usually die down about a week after it happens. I need more me-time. Oh well, I'll get it eventually..

Bottom line is: Life is good and I'm happy.

That's all that matters right?

=)