I feel like I'm slowly checking out of school. I need to find a new motivation to keep myself going. There's still a good amount left in the quarter yet I can't even get myself to go to my core classes.
WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE? What if what I'm doing is not what i'm meant to be in life or the steps I should be taking aren't on the path that I'm on right now? It blows my mind. People always say that if you're meant to do something, you're going to FEEL that it is right.
I overthink everything to the EXTREME.
I say all this as I am sitting in the middle of statistics class.
Yesterday, my roommate decided to google "depression" and then proceeded to look up palm readings. Most of the time those kind of things are just some comments someone sitting behind a computer screen made up and it's all psychological if you believe that nonsense. But, it's always crazy when I hear things like that and they actually apply to my life, especially those depression symptoms. How does a doctor actually know someone has depression? I was told that you just go into the doctors, fill out some surveys, answer some questions, and boom! You have a bottle of zoloft in your hands. But, people also say that if you're depressed and you tell people about it, then it is just for talk.
I hate being in a stage where I'm going through all this crap but I can't sort my thoughts and or even figure out the next step to take. I just don't know what to do. I feel so overwhelmed and stressed out but I don't think I'd be able to say why if someone decided to ask.
So, what am I supposed to do now?
Oh and by the way, seeing you today made me cringe a little bit. I wish things didn't have to be so awkward between us.
Quadruple sigh.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Monday, October 29, 2012
Psychoanalysis
It's funny how I don't write in this regularly and only come back when I really have nowhere else to run. There are some things that you can tell everyone, some that you can only tell to certain people, even some that you can only tell ONE person, but there's always those certain things that you just have to keep to yourself. Not to mention those things you regret disclosing to others.
I've had many interesting self-realization experiences these past couple months and it's very hard for me to be able to put a finger on the words to describe the way these realizations make me feel. It just amazes me how we, personally, can know who we are, how we would react to a certain situation, how something could make us feel, but I wonder how often people think about WHY they do something.
Maybe we've always done this, but my friends and I often get into really in depth conversations about relationships and life. Whether I'd like to admit it or not, those talks seriously get to my head and STICK. The smallest things can trigger the smallest thoughts; it's baffles me how far my mind and thoughts can take it. Not gonna lie, I really do enjoy the talks that we have but it's that feeling of loving to be able to talk openly about something yet also realizing things about yourself that you have been trying to suppress and have been suppressing for years. Everyone likes to talk but I've learned that there are even some things that you yourself don't know you know. Man, trying to describe a deep psychological thought can get wordy and confusing, huh? Well lately that's how I've been feeling most of the time.
When we get into "sticky" situations in life, it's funny to see how quick people are to point the finger at the other person. Like, for some odd reason we can't accept the fact we, too, made a mistake and accept the consequences. No one is perfect, so when something happens there are faults coming from both sides. I'm not saying this to make an opinionated stereotype of our society, but to admit that I am guilty of doing so. For the longest time, I have been putting blame on the other half of the situation, convinced that I am not at fault. But, I never really thought about how my actions could have factored into the decisions that the other person could have made...
With you, I don't think I have ever babied anyone as much as I did to you. You had it good. No matter what kind of fucked up shit you decided to go out and do, you knew that I would still give you the undeniable motherly love each and every time. I never gave you the opportunity to prove yourself, to be a real boyfriend, to be a real man. But, then again you never gave me a chance to open up, let my guard down, be a little vulnerable. I feel sorry for the both of us. Think back and look at the way we acted... do you think we could ever be classified as something REAL? Something based off of true emotions and feelings? Or was it just something that was put into the department of something that we are lacking?
It is engraved into my SUBconscious to have to baby everyone I encounter in life. I have to prove that I love them and that it will never go away. Why? Because what I lacked growing up, I must prove that I can portray elsewhere. I don't want to turn out like you. No one in the world should ever feel how I felt growing up with you. I guess that's why I always end up in a rut where.. if I thought about it for maybe... a second longer, I probably wouldn't end up where I am now. It's kind of the "you must finish what you start" mentality. And, from experience I now know that that phrase cannot be applied to every aspect of your life. When it comes to relationships, yes, you have to put your feet into the water to find out whether or not someone is compatible for you. But, if you feel it in your heart that it's not right, you can't just chill in the dirty community water for the rest of your life.
That's my problem. I feel like no matter how much I'm not feeling a relationship and things aren't working out, I have to invest all of my power and emotion into MAKING it work. "I cannot go through this again" "I cannot add another person to my list" "What is my mom going to think?" "How are others going to view me?" I've always said that I'm the kind of person that has feelings for someone and goes into the relationship with my heart already on the table possibly before people are ready to take hold of it. Laying my heart on the table, I pass it across the table and say "Here. You take this. You do whatever you wish to it. Step on it. Rip it. Tear it. Don't even worry about putting it back together before you leave. I'll find the missing pieces and sew it back together myself." But, after those in depth conversations with my friends that I talked about, they helped me realize that I not only hand my heart to someone, but I also take hold of their hand and HELP them tear my heart into a million pieces.
My heart is too big for my body. I've made it to where all I aim to do is give, give, give and not only not expect to receive, but really have no hope in receiving. I just lack so much self-confidence and I let myself get won over by people and things that shouldn't even have an affect on me.
I shouldn't even THINK about you. But, with a moment like this it kills me that I can't even stop myself from thinking about you. I really wish that what happened between us didn't happen. I obviously can't go back and change things, but frankly, I wish you weren't such a douche bag about everything. I would yell at you for doing something like this and not having any feelings afterward but I have no right to. I let you do these things and I pretty much asked for each and every second of it, multiple times. And that sickens me. I know that I am in charge of my own destiny but I just look back and it makes me sad to see who I let myself become. You make me feel uncomfortable. You make my mind go crazy. And, it sucks that I have to hide everything from those who matter most to me just to save our asses from eternal embarrassment. Every day since then, there has not been a day where I haven't thought back about what happened and the stupid decisions the both of us made.
Life is seriously the most windy, never-ending and topsy turvy emotional, spiritual, physical, mental roller coaster. It takes you on so many turns and loop-de-loops that sometimes you won't even have a second to scream. And, the roller coaster stops for no one. It can get hard to handle sometimes and I feel like I'm running out of different mechanisms and techniques to figure my shit out. But, there's always that other side to the story that will take me another 94280394820942 entries to "explain."
Surprisingly, running out of words.
Peace.
I've had many interesting self-realization experiences these past couple months and it's very hard for me to be able to put a finger on the words to describe the way these realizations make me feel. It just amazes me how we, personally, can know who we are, how we would react to a certain situation, how something could make us feel, but I wonder how often people think about WHY they do something.
Maybe we've always done this, but my friends and I often get into really in depth conversations about relationships and life. Whether I'd like to admit it or not, those talks seriously get to my head and STICK. The smallest things can trigger the smallest thoughts; it's baffles me how far my mind and thoughts can take it. Not gonna lie, I really do enjoy the talks that we have but it's that feeling of loving to be able to talk openly about something yet also realizing things about yourself that you have been trying to suppress and have been suppressing for years. Everyone likes to talk but I've learned that there are even some things that you yourself don't know you know. Man, trying to describe a deep psychological thought can get wordy and confusing, huh? Well lately that's how I've been feeling most of the time.
When we get into "sticky" situations in life, it's funny to see how quick people are to point the finger at the other person. Like, for some odd reason we can't accept the fact we, too, made a mistake and accept the consequences. No one is perfect, so when something happens there are faults coming from both sides. I'm not saying this to make an opinionated stereotype of our society, but to admit that I am guilty of doing so. For the longest time, I have been putting blame on the other half of the situation, convinced that I am not at fault. But, I never really thought about how my actions could have factored into the decisions that the other person could have made...
With you, I don't think I have ever babied anyone as much as I did to you. You had it good. No matter what kind of fucked up shit you decided to go out and do, you knew that I would still give you the undeniable motherly love each and every time. I never gave you the opportunity to prove yourself, to be a real boyfriend, to be a real man. But, then again you never gave me a chance to open up, let my guard down, be a little vulnerable. I feel sorry for the both of us. Think back and look at the way we acted... do you think we could ever be classified as something REAL? Something based off of true emotions and feelings? Or was it just something that was put into the department of something that we are lacking?
It is engraved into my SUBconscious to have to baby everyone I encounter in life. I have to prove that I love them and that it will never go away. Why? Because what I lacked growing up, I must prove that I can portray elsewhere. I don't want to turn out like you. No one in the world should ever feel how I felt growing up with you. I guess that's why I always end up in a rut where.. if I thought about it for maybe... a second longer, I probably wouldn't end up where I am now. It's kind of the "you must finish what you start" mentality. And, from experience I now know that that phrase cannot be applied to every aspect of your life. When it comes to relationships, yes, you have to put your feet into the water to find out whether or not someone is compatible for you. But, if you feel it in your heart that it's not right, you can't just chill in the dirty community water for the rest of your life.
That's my problem. I feel like no matter how much I'm not feeling a relationship and things aren't working out, I have to invest all of my power and emotion into MAKING it work. "I cannot go through this again" "I cannot add another person to my list" "What is my mom going to think?" "How are others going to view me?" I've always said that I'm the kind of person that has feelings for someone and goes into the relationship with my heart already on the table possibly before people are ready to take hold of it. Laying my heart on the table, I pass it across the table and say "Here. You take this. You do whatever you wish to it. Step on it. Rip it. Tear it. Don't even worry about putting it back together before you leave. I'll find the missing pieces and sew it back together myself." But, after those in depth conversations with my friends that I talked about, they helped me realize that I not only hand my heart to someone, but I also take hold of their hand and HELP them tear my heart into a million pieces.
My heart is too big for my body. I've made it to where all I aim to do is give, give, give and not only not expect to receive, but really have no hope in receiving. I just lack so much self-confidence and I let myself get won over by people and things that shouldn't even have an affect on me.
I shouldn't even THINK about you. But, with a moment like this it kills me that I can't even stop myself from thinking about you. I really wish that what happened between us didn't happen. I obviously can't go back and change things, but frankly, I wish you weren't such a douche bag about everything. I would yell at you for doing something like this and not having any feelings afterward but I have no right to. I let you do these things and I pretty much asked for each and every second of it, multiple times. And that sickens me. I know that I am in charge of my own destiny but I just look back and it makes me sad to see who I let myself become. You make me feel uncomfortable. You make my mind go crazy. And, it sucks that I have to hide everything from those who matter most to me just to save our asses from eternal embarrassment. Every day since then, there has not been a day where I haven't thought back about what happened and the stupid decisions the both of us made.
Life is seriously the most windy, never-ending and topsy turvy emotional, spiritual, physical, mental roller coaster. It takes you on so many turns and loop-de-loops that sometimes you won't even have a second to scream. And, the roller coaster stops for no one. It can get hard to handle sometimes and I feel like I'm running out of different mechanisms and techniques to figure my shit out. But, there's always that other side to the story that will take me another 94280394820942 entries to "explain."
Surprisingly, running out of words.
Peace.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Bringing this back
"When a girl cries, it's not usually over one thing. It's built up anger and emotions that she's been holding in for too long."
Emotionally, I'm done. Mentally, I'm drained. Spiritually, I'm dead. Physically, I smile.
I just needed somewhere to vent and randomly thought of this blog that I probably haven't touched in years. I had to go in and reset my password and everything.
I'm the kind of person that I can't help but hold things in. I have an incredibly high tolerance and lately I've realized that it can also work as a big disadvantage. But, I'm also the kind of person that gets annoyed, holds it in, and is never able to let it go and anything else that happens after that is just another layer added to the annoyance pile. I've just be so unreasonably unhappy lately and I don't even know why. I literally feel emotionally depressed and overwhelmed. I'm not the best at pinpointing the source of my emotions and I always feel really bad giving the person I'm upset with a direct answer. It's just really hard for me to tell someone that I don't approve or even remotely like something that they are doing. And, it kills me. Especially if that someone is the person you chose to be in a relationship with.
Simply put. I'm miserable. And, I don't know how to fix it. I don't know if it's my own doing, like something psychological, or if it's really the things that you have done. How do you really know someone is the right person for you? How am I supposed to know that all the effort I put into this relationship actually made a difference in your life? I seriously feel like the only influence I've made in your life is to push you to continue to do those bad things and just put that before anything else. I'm the kind of person that is big on priorities and you are the complete opposite. That first night we went to my spot together made me realize how much of the perfect guy you are for me. I have never been able to open up to someone so easily and freely in my life. Not once, have I been able to tell anyone the things that I was comfortable with telling you in a week. Since then, you have slowly unveiled this person that I was definitely not introduced to. Sometimes, I feel like I don't even know who you are anymore. I can't believe you have let something so ridiculous take control of you to the point where you can't even focus on getting a job or finishing a strong quarter of school. Is that really what matters most right now? I'm a chill person, but I have my limits, my boundaries; I HAVE FEELINGS TOO.
If I would have known that this factor was so heavily prominent in your life from the getgo or even the fact that it was going to bother me this much, I probably wouldn't have jumped into things so quickly. For some reason, I believed that you had a handle on things, that you were able to juggle everything at once. Little did I know that I truly came in second on your list of priorities, following the thing I hated most. I feel like I tried everything. Being cool with it. Letting you figure it out on your own. Crying. Yelling. Avoiding. Nothing worked.
After tonight, the second serious talk we've had about this, I finally feel like we're finally making improvement. I definitely had to wait until you figured it out on your own to get some sense into you. And now, you finally understand. I just can't be so sure until it actually happens. I want to be sure that I really am as important to you as you say I am. Life is seriously swinging by and my life is going with it and I wasn't trying to linger on something that wasn't on the same track that I am on. You need to get your shit together. And, I hope it happens soon. Actions truly speak louder than words. And, I hope this isn't just some stunt to get me to stop nagging you. And, I hate that it has bothered me so much that I'm not even sure as to whether or not I can believe you.
Prove me wrong. Make the right decisions. Work for us. Make me happy.
I don't need much. I just need to know and be shown how much you care.
Emotionally, I'm done. Mentally, I'm drained. Spiritually, I'm dead. Physically, I smile.
I just needed somewhere to vent and randomly thought of this blog that I probably haven't touched in years. I had to go in and reset my password and everything.
I'm the kind of person that I can't help but hold things in. I have an incredibly high tolerance and lately I've realized that it can also work as a big disadvantage. But, I'm also the kind of person that gets annoyed, holds it in, and is never able to let it go and anything else that happens after that is just another layer added to the annoyance pile. I've just be so unreasonably unhappy lately and I don't even know why. I literally feel emotionally depressed and overwhelmed. I'm not the best at pinpointing the source of my emotions and I always feel really bad giving the person I'm upset with a direct answer. It's just really hard for me to tell someone that I don't approve or even remotely like something that they are doing. And, it kills me. Especially if that someone is the person you chose to be in a relationship with.
Simply put. I'm miserable. And, I don't know how to fix it. I don't know if it's my own doing, like something psychological, or if it's really the things that you have done. How do you really know someone is the right person for you? How am I supposed to know that all the effort I put into this relationship actually made a difference in your life? I seriously feel like the only influence I've made in your life is to push you to continue to do those bad things and just put that before anything else. I'm the kind of person that is big on priorities and you are the complete opposite. That first night we went to my spot together made me realize how much of the perfect guy you are for me. I have never been able to open up to someone so easily and freely in my life. Not once, have I been able to tell anyone the things that I was comfortable with telling you in a week. Since then, you have slowly unveiled this person that I was definitely not introduced to. Sometimes, I feel like I don't even know who you are anymore. I can't believe you have let something so ridiculous take control of you to the point where you can't even focus on getting a job or finishing a strong quarter of school. Is that really what matters most right now? I'm a chill person, but I have my limits, my boundaries; I HAVE FEELINGS TOO.
If I would have known that this factor was so heavily prominent in your life from the getgo or even the fact that it was going to bother me this much, I probably wouldn't have jumped into things so quickly. For some reason, I believed that you had a handle on things, that you were able to juggle everything at once. Little did I know that I truly came in second on your list of priorities, following the thing I hated most. I feel like I tried everything. Being cool with it. Letting you figure it out on your own. Crying. Yelling. Avoiding. Nothing worked.
After tonight, the second serious talk we've had about this, I finally feel like we're finally making improvement. I definitely had to wait until you figured it out on your own to get some sense into you. And now, you finally understand. I just can't be so sure until it actually happens. I want to be sure that I really am as important to you as you say I am. Life is seriously swinging by and my life is going with it and I wasn't trying to linger on something that wasn't on the same track that I am on. You need to get your shit together. And, I hope it happens soon. Actions truly speak louder than words. And, I hope this isn't just some stunt to get me to stop nagging you. And, I hate that it has bothered me so much that I'm not even sure as to whether or not I can believe you.
Prove me wrong. Make the right decisions. Work for us. Make me happy.
I don't need much. I just need to know and be shown how much you care.
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