Bringing this back

"When a girl cries, it's not usually over one thing. It's built up anger and emotions that she's been holding in for too long."

Emotionally, I'm done. Mentally, I'm drained. Spiritually, I'm dead. Physically, I smile.

I just needed somewhere to vent and randomly thought of this blog that I probably haven't touched in years. I had to go in and reset my password and everything.

I'm the kind of person that I can't help but hold things in. I have an incredibly high tolerance and lately I've realized that it can also work as a big disadvantage. But, I'm also the kind of person that gets annoyed, holds it in, and is never able to let it go and anything else that happens after that is just another layer added to the annoyance pile. I've just be so unreasonably unhappy lately and I don't even know why. I literally feel emotionally depressed and overwhelmed. I'm not the best at pinpointing the source of my emotions and I always feel really bad giving the person I'm upset with a direct answer. It's just really hard for me to tell someone that I don't approve or even remotely like something that they are doing. And, it kills me. Especially if that someone is the person you chose to be in a relationship with.

Simply put. I'm miserable. And, I don't know how to fix it. I don't know if it's my own doing, like something psychological, or if it's really the things that you have done. How do you really know someone is the right person for you? How am I supposed to know that all the effort I put into this relationship actually made a difference in your life? I seriously feel like the only influence I've made in your life is to push you to continue to do those bad things and just put that before anything else. I'm the kind of person that is big on priorities and you are the complete opposite. That first night we went to my spot together made me realize how much of the perfect guy you are for me. I have never been able to open up to someone so easily and freely in my life. Not once, have I been able to tell anyone the things that I was comfortable with telling you in a week. Since then, you have slowly unveiled this person that I was definitely not introduced to. Sometimes, I feel like I don't even know who you are anymore. I can't believe you have let something so ridiculous take control of you to the point where you can't even focus on getting a job or finishing a strong quarter of school. Is that really what matters most right now? I'm a chill person, but I have my limits, my boundaries; I HAVE FEELINGS TOO.

If I would have known that this factor was so heavily prominent in your life from the getgo or even the fact that it was going to bother me this much, I probably wouldn't have jumped into things so quickly. For some reason, I believed that you had a handle on things, that you were able to juggle everything at once. Little did I know that I truly came in second on your list of priorities, following the thing I hated most. I feel like I tried everything. Being cool with it. Letting you figure it out on your own. Crying. Yelling. Avoiding. Nothing worked.

After tonight, the second serious talk we've had about this, I finally feel like we're finally making improvement. I definitely had to wait until you figured it out on your own to get some sense into you. And now, you finally understand. I just can't be so sure until it actually happens. I want to be sure that I really am as important to you as you say I am. Life is seriously swinging by and my life is going with it and I wasn't trying to linger on something that wasn't on the same track that I am on. You need to get your shit together. And, I hope it happens soon. Actions truly speak louder than words. And, I hope this isn't just some stunt to get me to stop nagging you. And, I hate that it has bothered me so much that I'm not even sure as to whether or not I can believe you.

Prove me wrong. Make the right decisions. Work for us. Make me happy.

I don't need much. I just need to know and be shown how much you care.